The situation: I currently live in Southborough, MA. After a dramatic incident with my landlord and some contract-breaching money hounding from him, I am forced to move out. I’ve lived here since December and it’s been nothing but hell for me. I’m so far away from the rest of the world that nothing I need is near me. I have no license and no car, so if I want to get anywhere, I usually have to longboard an insane distance just to get there. I have no laundromat or machines near me, no food besides frozen meals from Walgreen’s, and ultimately no life. All of my time is spent working, and even doing that I don’t make enough money to pull my head out of water.
So, in an effort to increase the quality of life I have, I am headed to the city to live with a friend and coworker in Somerville, MA. There I will not be bogged down by the transportation issue because of an accessible T station, close-by businesses, and a whole city at my fingertips.
I do work. I work very hard. I longboard 6.5 miles to and from work every single day if I can’t find a ride. Even on rainy days i have to do my best to find a way to work. And getting there is dangerous. The accessible routes for me to get to work are main road arteries in the city of Framingham, and I have many close encounters where my life was in danger. i was hit by a motorcycle on one day, and ever since I’ve been nervous about going the distance.
I will have money for my first month’s rent from my current work situation. However, I won’t have money for moving expenses, food, or anything else that pops up. And because I am changing my location, I won’t immediately have a job, so even then my living situation won’t be entirely stable.
So far, I have applied to the following places for work:
-Whole Foods Cambridge
-Thuro Skate Shop
-Museum of Science
I am hopeful that with my hard work ethic and extensive resume i can land at least one of these jobs, and two if I am lucky. But, beginning work, getting paid, and getting the bills in on time are a whole other issue that my funds don’t accomodate for.
I am in some wild debt. From what I believe to be a bait-and-switch, I owe Best Buy over $2000 in credit, and Paypal over $1200. I owe the doctor’s office upwards of $500 for visits I haven’t paid since I became a patient. I owe my family members and extended family members money as well. And to top it all off, in order to finish my 18 credits of college left, I need to pay $1400 in holdings.
I was denied food stamps because the state says I make too much money, which is the opposite of the truth. I earn less money an hour than my little brother. I’ve tried and tried to get different jobs in the area so I didn’t end up in this situation, but nobody has hired me – and I’ve had interviews at over 15 places.
I believe that if this crowd funding endeavor is successful I will have a real chance at putting myself back on my feet.
I’m very focused on getting my life together. Even if I raise $0 , I will still push hard to clear my debts and start a stress free life. I know that we all have debts to pay, but between living expenses and how little I currently make, I can’t even pay a dollar towards any of them, and it is destroying my life.
About me: I’m 23, transgender MtF, and an aspiring professional longboarder. I began transitioning in June of 2014, and have had a lot of struggles in life to overcome to get to where I am today. I longboard every single day of my life. While long distance pushing is my passion, I also take part in downhill racing and a little bit of freestyle skating as well. Every day that I skate I try harder to become better, and to put my name out there so I can unite my life with my longboarding passion, and make my livlihood off of it. I like to think I am a creative individual. I take pride in my hobby of rebuilding/redesigning longboards, and have hopes to open up a skate shop of my own in the future.
Here is a letter I wrote to myself about my situation:
“A letter that only holds its weight if I die at the end of it:
Well. I wake up in the middle of the night from a nasty ass pillow in my nasty ass room in my apartment I can’t even afford to keep. I look in the fridge for something, anything to get rid of this terrible dry mouth – but wait, the fridge is empty. I have nothing, not even a bottle of water to quench my thirst at 3 in the morning. And why is that?
The pillowcase hasn’t been washed probably since I moved into this apartment in December. Makeup, hair dye, sweat, bits of dried chewing tobacco and spit line every fiber in it. My bed sheets haven’t been washed even before that, probably from my last apartment almost a year ago. I feel myself all over myself when I sleep every night. My clothes get clean sometimes and most times they dont. I find myself buying more new underwear than cleaning the old ones. My room is littered with clothes I pick apart day in and day out so I can look presentable to the public. So that hopefully I can attract less attention to myself than I already do. Half the time I just rewear dirty stuff. I probably smell like shit half the time. I can smell it, you probably can too.
How the hell am I going to get the laundromat? I lost my license because of my own doing, and have paid the price over and over again. I picked up a skateboard and started riding it to work out of necessity. I have no mobility. Friday night, you know what my plans are? Watching other people have fun on Facebook and offering sassy comments of my own. If I have to go somewhere, I better be damn sure that’s where I’m going because I probably just skated a ridiculous distance just to get there.
And I rack up this awesome cess pool of minute bacteria with me. I shower almost every single day, yet my feet eat themselves alive to the point where I scratch to the bone sometimes. I recently had a MRSA scare. I haven’t been to a dentist since I was like 15, nor a real doctor since even before that. I’m a disgusting human being and I’m a product of how I have to live this life.
And I’ve slaved over and over and over and over. I tried getting a second job. I lasted 2 months. And that was waking up at 4am every day, putting makeup on and presenting myself as female, skating 6 miles to work on my feet for another 8 hours…only to walk across the street and work for another 8 hours, hoping that someone would drive me home at the end of the night. And I wouldn’t be done until 11pm, to repeat the same process.
And during that time I lived 2 weeks with no electricity or oil in my home. My roommates screwed over entirely and left me with the pieces when I already lost it all. It was the dead of the winter and I would sleep in a winter jacket on the floor in my own apartment.
And I kept saying…”I’m not giving up!” and “I can do this!” and right when the sun started coming out again I had people coming out of the woodwork saying I owed them money…money and money and money.And what the hell do you want me to do? I worked 2 full time jobs with no car to get to them and STILL had nothing. And the nothing continued to pile on top of my head as I kept saying “I’m not giving up!” and repeating it over and over and over.
Money for this…money for that…and every time I spent on food for myself I felt guilty because I was spending money that was already destined for someone else’s pocket. And I kept buying new skateboard parts to get me to work to these jobs more efficiently and THAT dug into someone elses pocket. And all of a sudden I’m now riding an expensive skateboard to work to pay these people in an ongoing circle that doesn’t EVER end.
I fucking show up when other people in my situation wouldn’t. I stick my neck out there for ANYONE who needs it. I skated 30 miles to the hospital in Cambridge when my brother overdosed on whatever stupid drug just to save his ass.
But seriously, this is it? This is what I have going on for me? I could keep buying skateboards and keep skating to work, and keep going in this cycle of never having ANYTHING for myself. And when the positive things come to life the reality of “Oh, wait I can’t pay for that” sinks in and I return to my cycle.
And I fucking PUT myself out there. Fucking find me. I’m a hard worker. Want me to come help you design a skateboard that’s gonna get unlicensed pieces of shit to work everyday? That’s all I’m good for at this point.
I’ve had a million job interviews and it boils down to, “You just don’t fit.” None of the opportunities I’ve chased have taken me anywhere. I tried modeling. I tried acting. I tried being a factory worker. I tried being a comedian. I tried being a cashier. I tried being a sales rep. I tried being a cook. I tried being in bands. I tried being an intern. I tried longboarding.
Maybe…I just don’t fit. I identify with 0 of the people I talk to on a daily basis. Friends have career goals, they have families, they have loved ones, they have interests and hobbies……I have none of that. And I don’t exactly want it either. I hear people complaining about things and I just get so FUCKING angry all of the time….like what. the. fuck. are. you. whining. about. I don’t want to hear any of it and I have no patience for people.
I’m addicted to fucking chewing tobacco which is in itself an entirely other topic, but I can’t even afford THAT and often choose to buy it over food most times. Because I never have any food unless it’s at my fucking job.
And I work at a health(ier) grocery store chain and I don’t even eat healthy! I eat to fucking get by. Is it gonna fill me up til I get hungry again? Ok, I’ll eat it. The only reason I got this job was because I had experience working in restaurants, and now I don’t even work in the kitchen anymore. I can’t even represent a company I spend 40 hours a week at! I can remember only one time in the last year I’ve had food in my cabinets and 0 of it came from the company I work for. Yet, somehow, in all of this, I still spend half my paycheck at my job to feed myself to get through another day? Fucking OVER IT.
And I’ve had people reach out to me and give me a washing machine for a day, and sometimes even loans in money I couldn’t repay, or food for a day. But seriously? Am I going to continue BUSTING my ass all this time to get handouts? I don’t think so.
Oh, things are gonna be different now. Oh, things are going to get better. Everything will work out as soon as this is over with. And yadda yadda yadda….
I have nothing. I hold onto these hopes and dreams that one day I’ll be famous and little girls can look up to me and all of that…it’s all really for nothing isn’t it? I’m nothing to look up to. Aside from going out there day in and day out of just portraying my identified gender to the world, I’m not a good person. I’m not some saint. I don’t think I’ve ever consciously donated to a single other human being so long as I have lived.
I don’t deserve anything from anyone. I don’t deserve sympathy or respect. I look at myself in hindsight every day and laugh at how ridiculous of a human being I am. What an absolute bag of filth.”